Wingmen & Wingwomen

"A wingman (alt. wing-man) is one person who assists another in social interactions by providing psychological support, often linked by a close friendship. The word is mostly used to describe the role one person had in facilitating another's success with women during the course of any public gathering (bars, gyms, streets)." - WikiHow

Assess the situation - It's important to analyze the situation, find out if the girls/guys are with someone or if they're alone.  See if your friend is really going to need help with introductions or if they will be able to handle it on their own.  Different venues and scenarios can lead to different conversations, it's important to recognize what topics and approach will be appropriate.

Introduction or conversation starter - Now that you've analyzed the situation it's time to break the ice.  Starting the conversation off correctly is a big deal; first impressions are very important and you have to remember that it is your friend that you're trying to make look good!  Use good and interesting topics to get the guys/girls talking and try to relate their interests or hobbies back to something similar about your friend.  Try to avoid talking about you and redirect things towards your friend.

Talk your friend up - The situation has been assessed and the conversation has begun.  Now it's time to use good and interesting topics to get the girls/guys more comfortable about talking.  Try to relate their interests or hobbies back to something similar about your friend.  Try to avoid talking about you and redirect things towards your friend.  Try to stagger the conversation a little; don't redirect every little thing they say back to your friend.

Give them some alone time - If they have a friend with them now would be the time to move them and yourself out of the conversation.  Try to be subtle so that the girl/guy that your friend is interested in doesn't feel uncomfortable.  Typically women have a signal of sorts that indicates if they want their friends to stay around or not during these situations.  If you haven't been entertaining the friend throughout the conversation they may stick around and be selfish.  

It's important to not steal the show when leading the conversations but don't turn anyone off either.  You want to seem normal compared to your amazing friend. 

Here is a video that I found that shows some good and bad wingman scenarios. 

Now that you have some knowledge in being a successful wingman or wingwoman it's time to build some experience.  My final advice is to analyze why failed attempts happen.  You will have some awkward moments and some let downs, the trick is being able to figure out what went wrong (and if it even had anything to do with you!) and correcting the problem in the future.

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

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Frienemies Revealed

We all have them.  They’re everywhere and they look just like you and me.  We share our deepest darkest secrets with them, introduce them to our parents, include them in our plans, and even buy them gifts.  I’m referring to Frienemies.  A Frienemyis someone who pretends to be your friend when in reality, they're your enemy.  They’ve successfully worked their way into your inner circle of friends with one goal in mind, to create problems for you.  Frienemies are found more often in female relationships than male relationships, but this doesn’t mean men Frienemiesdon’t exist!  Per my experience, I’ve found that most men Frienemies sprout from rivalries or competitive scenarios.  Women Frienemies tend to be more mischievous, selfish, ruthless, and have less conscious repercussions.  Frienemies can be found in the social world as well as the corporate world and are most often driven by jealousy.

Some Frienemies do us harm without even realizing it.  It could simply be the symptoms of insecurity or jealousy. The first step to solving your Frienemy problems is learning how to spot them.  Here are some simple ways for you to recognize if you have Frienemies!  Frienemies tend to continuously bring you down.  If you’ve accomplished something impressive, they’ll look for negativity.  An example could be if you just aced a final in your first class of the day and instead of congratulating you, they remind you that you have another final that you didn't study for coming up.  These are negative comments that keep you from building confidence and can be hard to spot.  Negativity should always be avoided.  It’s better to think positively and learn to pick out the positives from situations rather than focus on the negatives.

Another noticeable tendency in Frienemies is their availability.  Frienemies tend to always ask for your attention or support when they are in a tough situation but will always be busy or unavailable whenever you need them.  Many people are oblivious to these situations and are constantly being taken advantage of.

Make yourself available to your friends, sometimes this means making sacrifices.  Make sure your friends are willing to make time for you too.  True friends are there for each other when they’re needed.

Some people feel uncomfortable when with specific friends.  If your gut is telling you that there is something shady about your friend, there usually is.  Don’t spend time around people who are a bad influence on you.  Frienemies try to convince you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing or may even try to persuade you to do something that results in trouble.  This could include providing poor advice and selfish decisions. 

Everyone has that one Frienemywho continuously puts embarrassing things on Facebook or other social media sites. These people will take pictures of you at an event and purposely look for the most embarrassing picture of you and best picture of them and post it for everyone to see.  This is one of the most obvious ways to spot a Frienemy.  It’s not that tough to figure out which pictures are appropriate and which aren’t.  Furthermore, they’ll bring up past times that were unpleasant for you.  This could involve resurfacing pictures or stories from an old Vegas trip that highlight some regretful decisions.

In conclusion, most Frienemies lack respect for you and tend to have cruel intentions.  It’s important to be able to spot your Frienemies and expose them for what they really are.  If you don’t think you have any Frienemies you better look back at these signs and make sure you aren’t the Frienemy.  The best way to deal with a Frienemy is to confront them.  Most of the time they will deny these signs or they’ll say you’re too sensitive or emotional and try to throw everything back on you.  Keep your intentions pure and remain loyal to your friends.  I hope this article has helped you spot your Frienemiesand prevent future problems!

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

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Breaking out of the Friend Zone

Breaking the Friend Zone 101

We’ve all been there… In that dead zone referred to as the friend zone.  This article will assist those who are stuck as the person who is neither a stranger nor a lover.  Throughout the article I’ll discuss the boundaries of the friend zone and ways to ease out of it.  Please note that unless you have a very open and understanding friendship, some of these methods could cause extreme awkwardness or uncomfortable future encounters.  

“In popular culture, the "friend zone" refers to a platonic relationship wherein one person wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person.[1] Once the friend zone is established, it is said to be difficult to move beyond that point in a relationship.” - Wikipedia

Now that we’ve gotten the introductions out of the way it’s important to recognize if you’re in the friend zone or not.  Here are some funny pictures depicting the infamous friend zone.  If you’re still unsure if you’re in the friend zone, check out this article.

Now, I’ll assume if you’re still reading you’ve come to the cold hard truth that you’re currently in the friend zone with someone you have sexual feelings for.   This is very common with people that are extremely shy or passive when it comes to dating.  This also occurs quite often when one person is much more attractive than the other (take the photo above for example).  I’ve compiled several different ways to try and break out of the friend zone and several tips for avoiding it in the future.

Avoiding the Friend Zone

Avoid getting too close too quickly.  While a good friendship is important in a relationship, don’t be on call at all times to answer relationship problems they may be having.  It’s also crucial to recognize if you have sexual chemistry or not.  If you aren’t exchanging flirty actions throughout the first few encounters, it’s very likely that you’ll end up in the friend zone.  Body language and touch is extremely important in these situations.  It’s crucial that you don’t force anything, but notice that you can give a little back rub from time to time, or put your arm around them.  Try walking closer and encourage lots of touching and playfulness.  See how they react and base your next moves off of it.  It’s  vital that you’re able to notice the signsthat she is putting off.   If she seems interested, don’t hesitate or avoid a one on one encounter, instead, make a move!  Lastly, make her feel special and try to encourage one on one time.  It’s important that you show that you enjoy time alone with her/him and that you are interested in her.

Breaking the Friend Zone

So now you’ve already dug your hole and you want to see if there is any chance of getting out.   There are several options as to getting out of the dreaded friend zone. 

Let their friends know:  If you’re close to their friends you can hint at them that you have a crush on the person.  You can even ask their opinion on the situation, this can be a good opportunity to get some good advice and hint at the same time.

Body Language:  This refers to flirting and entering the other persons ‘space’ from time to time.  This entails being a little more touchy-feely when you’re together and moving closer when you’re sitting or walking around.  It’s important to be able to recognize if you’re making the other person uncomfortable or not, don’t go overboard and create an awkward situation! 

 

One on One & Talking:  It’s good to plan some one on one with the person.  Try and let them know that you really enjoy time alone with them.

Eye Contact:  Eye contact could be one of the most important factors when it comes to flirting, attraction, and authority.  It’s important to maintain eye contact as much as you can without being creepy or just staring them down.  You want to show comfort and passion in the way you look at them.

Talking:  The last thing that can really get you out of the friend zone is the old fashion confession.  This is when you just come out (hopefully in a one on one situation) and tell the person that you have feelings for them.  This is usually very risky and could end with extreme awkwardness.   The best way to go about doing this is subtly mention if the other person can picture the two of you as a couple.  Something along the lines of "hey we get along great, do you see us being a couple?".  Typically this approach will allow for you to throw it out there while remaining friends if the person says no.  Along with talking and aside from confessing your dying love for the person is flirting.  Try to suggest some sexual jokes and begin to mention things that could involve the two of you.  Do this subtly as you don’t want to all of a sudden come out too forward, but this will help you ease into a more flirtatious relationship.

There is another article on WikiHow that does a great job of breaking down how to get out of the friend zone as well.  See the article.

Check out our Facebook and Twitter pages for fun memes and messages about the singles community!

[1]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend_zone#cite_note-twsFebX19-1

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

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Enriching the Singles Community

“The term community has two distinct commutative meanings: 1) Community usually refers to a social unit larger than a small village that shares common values.  In a seminal 1986 study, McMillan and Chavis identify four elements of "sense of community": 1) membership, 2) influence, 3) integration and fulfillment of needs, and 4) shared emotional connection.” – Wikipedia.org

You are a part of several communities whether you know it or not.  One of the communities you’re a part of is the singles community.  And trust me, that’s no small community!  As of 2012, there were approximately 54 million single people in the US [1].  In fact, 87% of people think online dating is a good way to find a partner [2].     In the past, society has frowned upon the choice to remain single and singles have always felt pressured to find ‘the one’ and settle down.  Those times are changing!  Our goal at HowAboutADate.com is to empower singles and enrich the singles community by providing opportunities for singles to gather, date, and befriend each other.

More people are finding ways to stay happy while single and that lifestyle is beginning to be accepted by society.  Being single isn’t a negative thing, it just means you're not going to settle, and/or be stuck with "Mr/Ms Wrong".  The online dating community has experienced enormous growth over the past few years because of the ease and availability provided by dating websites.  These websites have helped improve and enrich the singles community, allowing for singles to connect with each other on a variety of different levels.

I encourage you to get involved in the singles community.  Go participate in some singles events, meet some new friends, and maybe even flirt a little.  Ignore the pressures from society that you need to commit to a relationship just for a ‘status’.  Learn how to be happy single and start enjoying life today. 

Over the past few months we've provided an array of material that helps empower singles to stand out and be noticed.  Now get out there and take action!  

Be sure to check our Sarah’s blog post about the SF singles community as well!

[1] & [2]: General Online Dating Stats

Arthur G. Bahr

Social Instigator for...

HowAboutADate.com  d  a  t  i  n  g    s  i  m  p  l  i  f  i  e  d

Do what you love... and love will find you